Bethany House Partner Review: Love Centered Parenting by Crystal Paine

 

This is a parenting book that focuses on the parent's behavior rather than how to handle your child's behavior. And for that reason, it truly is a gold mine. The author's perspective is that she needs Jesus and a solid, growing relationship with Him, with her identity set on who she is in Him, in order to parent well.

So why did I give it four stars? I'm not sure the best audience for this book on parenting. I wasn't the best audience which is what clouds my judgment I suspect because my youngest is 11 and my oldest is 19. I wasn't the best audience because I relearned how to parent over a decade ago.

My real wonder about fit is that Crystal's starting point of change rests in her own view of herself, her insecurity, and her recognition that she was believing lies about herself and that was making her parenting motivation about her, not about her children's growth. Not all will relate to her anxiety, fear, and insecurity, so that's what gives me pause in the book recommendation. My fear would be that people who don't connect with her weakness and discoveries might miss the conclusions that it brought her to, and that ALL believers should keep in mind as they parent a newborn or an adult child.

That being said, I've tried to read new parenting books that are different, highly recommended, and faith-based once or twice a year, because parenting is one aspect of life where failure is consistent, yet I learn and grow, but I always have more to learn, and I always need more perspective, focus, and reminders of how to think about the heart, and approach others in love, and not react out of my own emotions. I enjoyed the book a lot. I read it in days which isn't something that I often have done in this past year. I learned. I grew. I am reminded, humbled, and it was a good book for me.

So as I'm not fully sure the best people to read this book, I can share things to note before choosing this book:

*This book is an encouragement to parent out of your love for the Lord Jesus, His love for you that really fuels your life, and your trust in the Holy Spirit.

*half of the book shared Crystal's stories and self-discovery when she hit rock bottom in her parenting journey and realized she had been parenting out of fear, not faith, that she's been worried about how her children made her look, not how their behavior showed their hearts.

So it's her process and discovery that to parent out of love- you need to have an identity in Christ. A secure developed, humble, daily even second by second faith and interaction with the Holy Spirit. (this is the part of the book that many will clearly appreciate and benefit from.)

*the second half of the book is strategies to keep in mind for leading with love and leaning in to love first. These are vital, important truths. Our love comes from God. From the heavenly Father, and He helps us give our children what they need to launch into life. This vital message is clear, talks through failures and successes that Crystal Paine has processed in her parenting experience, and gives a great perspective for parents to process, remember, and tattoo into their mindset.

I've said since I became a mom to one child-- parenting is the most sanctifying experience of my life and faith- and as the parent of a 19, 15, 11-year-olds, as well as four-plus years pouring into another child from ages 5-10, it still is!!

I suspect that my discovery of being sure I parented this way started a few years before Crystal's when I re-learned how to parent a child from a hard place who spent over 4 years in our home as our child. Only Love Today by Rachel Macy Stafford reminds me of some of the thoughts shared in the book. Connected parenting by Karyn Purvis was the first clear model. Connect first then redirect was a mantra I learned. Time-In, not time-out. Find the why behind the behavior. Perspectives I've been following almost a decade.

I sought out this book to review after a conversation with a group of friends about the subtitle of the book. We all liked Love Centered Parenting. But the subtitle of "a no-fail guide to launching your kids" was a stumbling block for many. Nothing in life is no-fail. But having followed Crystal's blog for well over 10 years, maybe 15? I didn't think she would allow this to be a subtitle that didn't fit the book.

I even asked her on Instagram what she meant by it. Here's what she said: "well, I’d need a whole book to clearly explain that! 😉 But, the premise of the book is that walking with your kids and loving them well — as I outline in the book — isn’t ultimately about their choices and decisions or how they turn out, but about pouring into them with the love we have been given by God. It’s about leaning in and loving, listening well, leading with humility, and letting go. ❤️"

Well having read the book, I get it better. I'm not sure I would have chosen those words but I will say that the book is more about how the parent acts in order to launch kids into adult life. And since ultimately in parenting, I can only control myself in a healthy way, and I need to parent with the intention that I am parenting people who will be adults out in the world without me, and I would really love it if they were also people that I truly enjoy, want to spend time with, and who love and want to stay involved in my life, beyond the years they live in my home.

One of my favorite discoveries the author mentions is: as parents, we are NOT parenting for first-time obedience as our main parenting goal. I've felt this way for a long time, but haven't been able to articulate my reasoning as she does. I like parenting as a relationship, not for rules.

I love how she ends the chapters with key thoughts/points. I love the authors she has chosen to quote and her quotes are some of my favorite perspectives. I love her heart and fully agree with her strategies and perspective.  I love the wealth of bible verses and intentional scripture included in the book, in the appendix, etc.  Appropriate and key life concepts.  

So I suppose for me maybe this book is a five-star book. I'll think about this.

Thankful to Netgalley, Baker books, and Bethany House Publishing for the opportunity to read an advance copy of this book and review it. Go pre-order it-- I can suggest that you buy it or have your library order it! Releases March 16, 2021