Why Do Kids Make Mistakes?
An excerpt from No
More Perfect Kids by Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch
Does it ever feel like your child
does more wrong than they do right? As a parent, we know our kids aren’t
failures. They can fail a quiz here and there, not win a tournament, and not
earn a raise during their first job review, but none of that makes them
failures.
They will make mistakes, though,
because they’re human! To best help our kids overcome their mistakes and not
feel like failures, we need to understand why they make mistakes. When a parent
understands, it increases their compassion and decreases their frustration. As
you listen closely and observe intently for the “why” behind their mistakes,
you can know how to best support them. Let’s explore eight reasons kids make
mistakes.
1. They need
more experience.
When kids complain that school is
hard, remind them that if it were easy, they wouldn’t need to go. School—and
much of life—is about trying new things. We must let our kids know they’re not
stupid when they get things wrong. Mistakes are a part of life, and they often
show up when we need more experience.
2. They need to
be taught in order to be successful.
Mistakes can occur when content
and tasks are new and teaching hasn’t yet occurred. Kids might enjoy trying
things on their own, but then can get very frustrated when their independent
approach doesn’t go well. Protect their self-esteem when you notice that the reason
they did something wrong was simply because they need help or more instruction.
3. They need
more time to learn something.
Errors occur because kids didn’t
learn something well enough, although teaching has begun. These mistakes are a
part of learning. They happen, and it’s no one’s fault. How did you learn to
drive? By driving imperfectly for a while. How did you decide which barbeque
sauce you prefer? By cooking with one and then another. Did you make a mistake?
No. It was a “learn by doing” experience, not a “mistake by doing” experience. The
language we use to discuss mistakes matters; this includes what we say to our
kids and what we say inside our heads when thinking about them.
4. They need
healthy motivation to do things well.
Sometimes kids make mistakes
because they don’t want the additional pressure that comes with excellence.
Maybe your son’s teacher keeps calling on him because he’s always attentive and
right, but your son wants to take a break from that. Maybe your oldest is
feeling like all your happiness is on her shoulders. That’s unhealthy motivation
and creates a lot of pressure for any child.
5. They need our
understanding and attention.
Kids will occasionally fail at
something or make mistakes just to push our buttons. Let’s face it: They are
smart little people even at a young age, and they learn the power of
manipulation early.
In these cases, responding with
understanding is important. When the time is right, and depending on their age,
let them know you understand they’re angry or frustrated but you’d rather have them
talk with you about their feelings than to act their feelings out.
6. They need
more modeling and instruction related to character and obedience.
Sometimes mistakes are an issue
of character. Kids might hurry through a task or assignment so they can get
back to their video games. They can choose to not double-check their work
because pride is in their way and they’re just convinced they haven’t made any
mistakes. As parents, we need to discern whether our children are making
occasional errors in judgment or if they’ve developed consistent character
flaws that need to be addressed.
7. They need
self-respect, self-control, and respect for others modeled for them and taught
to them.
Sometimes kids’ strengths get
them into trouble. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing! For example,
word-smart kids might talk too much. Logic-smart kids with a heightened
curiosity may ask questions to keep you distracted and to extend bedtime. We
don’t want to paralyze their strengths by overreacting and being too critical,
but we do need to teach the concepts of self-control and respecting others.
8. They need
sleep, food, and/or emotional stability.
Do you sometimes underperform or
make unhealthy decisions when you’re tired, hungry, or emotionally vulnerable?
So do kids. You might discover your daughter should start her homework after
having a snack. Your son may not be handling the long day of school well and
may need to go to bed thirty minutes earlier than you originally thought. To track
patterns, you can keep a written record of their misbehavior using a calendar
or a list. After recording a few days of when mistakes and misbehavior occur,
who was present, if it was near mealtime, or if they were fatigued, you can
often identify possible strategies to decrease the misbehavior.
It’s okay, in
the midst of mistakes, to verbalize that your child is not failing or a failure.
Look for impressionable moments when kids need the reassurance that making
mistakes is how people learn. You may not be happy with their choices, and
discipline may be necessary, but also let them know they’re not stupid. In
fact, letting our kids know they’re not mistakes even when they make mistakes
is very important for us to communicate, especially in the hard days of
parenting!
